Dear B’nai Shalom members, friends, and families:
Robin and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the kindnesses you have shown us during this period of time of great sadness and loss for our family.
The meals, contributions, visits, cards, and constant flow of expressions of support and comfort have been a tremendous help to us. We are most grateful.
Aside from my OWN feelings of loss and the pain associated with that loss, my experience in observing Robin sustaining an anguish that is ongoing and deep, is an additional source of enormous painfulness.
I wanted to make clear in my remarks of tribute to my mother-in-law during the funeral services that it would be a gross exaggeration to consider the passing of a 93-year old a tragedy. That is not the case.
Baruch Hashem, my mother-in-law lived a long and fulfilled life, surrounded by family throughout every chapter of her life. Her death was NOT a tragedy. However, the greatest amount of pain associated with the loss of someone who lived over nine decades is something that everyone in our family is experiencing because of the manner in which my mother-in-law managed to touch all of us.
Sima Miller’s life was completely defined by family. No matter that we were not connected by blood, Sima Miller was my mother-in-law — the matriarch of our blended family for me, for more than 46 years, and for my brother, for longer than that. (We are two brothers married to two sisters).
An additional point of sadness and sense of loss for all of us is the fact that my mother-in-law was the last parent of her children AND the last for her in-law children as well.
I believe that Robin is feeling this loss in such a personal and profound way — partly because of all that I have described plus so much more.
The loss of the second parent for someone is formidable. It means going forward, you obviously have no parents but that you are no longer the child of anyone. You are parentless and have lost that connection to your own past and childhood. You are now the “ceiling” of your generation. This is a very sobering thought.
In addition, there is a special sadness attached to the loss of one’s mother. This is not a knock or minimalizing of the love and connection one has with one’s father. Certainly there are fathers in the world whose entire life is completely wrapped around their eternal love for their children. However, the connection between mother and child is something that Hashem created that is not replicated by any other relationship in existence.
The simple evidence of this is the way the higher level mammal mothers in nature connect with their babies even in the face of mortal danger to themselves. Take for example a mother zebra or giraffe who will place their own bodies in front of their babies guarding them, even when confronted by hungry lions focused on making their babies their next kill. The connection between mother and child is something that Hashem created that cannot be explained or denied.
For those of you who have had the privilege of getting to know Robin over these past 16 years, you will likely have seen the kindness and giving nature of my “much better half.” These attributes were particularly prevalent in the way Robin cared for, and honored, her mother. I can attest to the quintessential example, displayed unfailingly by Robin, of the way a child is expected to, AND commanded (by Torah law) to care for, and honor one’s parents.
Robin brought only pleasure, joy, and comfort to her mother for as long as I can remember. She cared for, and related to her mother in the most non-judgmental and most accepting manner, running errands, performing household tasks, and ensuring that her mother was happy and supplied with whatever she could want or need.
The phone calls that Robin will now no longer make or receive and the errands that she will no longer be running, the stores that she will no longer need to frequent, and many other ways in which Robin continued to serve her mother will NOT be a relief to Robin whatsoever.
Instead, these will all result in “holes” in her reality. These will not be forms of relief by desisting from time-consuming activities within her daily routine. These will be difficult, hard-to-deal-with strikes across Robin’s proverbial face, painfully reminding her of the stark new reality which she now has to confront.
One of the points that can be considered a “silver lining“ during Robin’s shiva time is the fact of the myriad of visitors bringing Robin and her siblings comfort, support, and solace. Robin visited with current friends, coworkers, neighbors, shul members and – in an unbelievable display of kindness, respect and devotion to the past-– friends from 40 or even 50 years ago, classmates from the heralded Ida Crown Jewish Academy class of 1976, who remembered my mother-in-law
fondly and in the most loving way.
The comments Robin received from those who recalled my mother-in-law from so many years ago were all filled with recollections of my mother-in-law as a kind, caring person who welcomed everyone into her home in the most warm, endearing manner. It was the strength of these fond memories that compelled so many of Robin’s friends, classmates, and acquaintances to make a shiva call after so many decades have come and gone.
In addition, and perhaps above all, Robin and I were blessed by Hashem by His permitting our two Israeli sons, currently residing in the Eretz Yisrael, to be with us at my mother-in-law‘s funeral and throughout the shiva.
Both of our sons made clear that they were not about to proceed with their lives and “…not be present at the funeral of (their) beloved bubby.“ There is no doubt in my mind that it was nothing short of Hashem‘s plans and compassion for Robin and our family that permitted each of our sons to make literal, last minute arrangements to be on their respective flights out of Israel to be together with us at a time of our great need and great anguish. One hour after our son Eliyk made HIS plane reservations, he had to head out to the airport to catch the flight for which he had just completed the reservation process. Their presence, no doubt, brought Robin, an extra component of comfort, support, and consolation.
With all of this detail composing a journal of personal points of our family’s recent loss of our beloved matriarch, one may be wondering, “What does this have to do with Torah values and what are we supposed to learn from this diary of family information?”
I assure all of you that I do not intend to make this article an exclusive diary of our family’s recent activities and I certainly NEVER intend this bulletin column to be self-serving.
I believe that there are clear, conspicuous Torah values laden in these details, the most prominent those having to do with the manner in which my beloved mother-in-law blanketed our entire family with her always-present love, loyalty, and devotion and the reciprocal manner in which Robin (as just ONE of Sima Miller’s children) returned that love, commitment, and dedication in the most concentrated, never-failing way.
I thank you (as does Robin) for the non-stop love and support we have received from the unmatched “ocean” of comfort and assistance we have lovingly accepted from the members, friends, and families of the most unbelievably thoughtful and caring shul anywhere around.
With hopes, prayers, and even expectations for better and happier times, I close with our combined thanks and heartfelt gratitude to all of you.
With Torah blessings always,
Rabbi Dr. Yaacov Dvorin